More jokes

Before she was married to my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law shared an apartment with a friend who had a parrot. That parrot would spout out with some real zingers. Her roommate had a boyfriend named Joey who was apparently pretty "frisky." When guests were over, the bird would say stuff like "Joe-eeeee, stop it."
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is too small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Growing somewhat exasperated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.
The little girl replied, "when I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "what if Jonah went to Hell?"
The little girl responded, "Then you ask him."
 
Four moles end up burrowing an tunnel into a bakery one early morning. The first one says, “Mmm, I smell a wonderful cinnamon aroma near.”

The second one replies, “Oh yes, I smell chocolate and strawberries!”

The third makes his way up and cries, “Ahh, I love the scent of cloves and nutmeg!”

The fourth takes in a big whiff and sighs, “All I smell is molasses.”
 
Potentially useful phrases for work:
  • How about never, is never good for you?
  • I see you've set aside this special moment to humiliate yourself in public.
  • Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you...
  • Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us once again...
  • I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an expert.
  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • Thank you so much, we're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, however my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  • Hmm, you're sounding reasonable, so it must be time to up my medication...
  • So, are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day?
  • I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  • It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm actually quite busy.
 
Ways to break the monotony in an office job:
  • End each conversation with the phrase "well that's what you think!"
  • Put Out of Order signs on all of the restroom doors.
  • When waiting on hold, sing along with the hold music. Make up your own lyrics.
  • Invite 50 people to a meeting in a room that holds 20.
  • Go from office to office offering free massages.
  • When presenting in a meeting, finish with the line "in accordance with prophesy."
  • Set up a card table in the lobby of your workplace and sell Girl Scout cookies. Dress for the part.
  • Refill the soap dispensers in the restrooms with catsup.
  • If you wear a photo ID badge, replace your photo with a picture of your favorite animal.
  • Begin your next meeting with a seance.
  • Hand out autographed photos of yourself. Assure everyone that they will valuable someday.
  • Pass out Bullshit Bingo cards at the next staff meeting. Include phrases like "win-win." "circle-back," and "success-oriented." (I had a boss actually do this one).
 
Chuck D. Bones said:
Ways to break the monotony in an office job:
  • End each conversation with the phrase "well that's what you think!"
  • Put Out of Order signs on all of the restroom doors.
  • When waiting on hold, sing along with the hold music. Make up your own lyrics.
  • Invite 50 people to a meeting in a room that holds 20.
  • Go from office to office offering free massages.
  • When presenting in a meeting, finish with the line "in accordance with prophesy."
  • Set up a card table in the lobby of your workplace and sell Girl Scout cookies. Dress for the part.
  • Refill the soap dispensers in the restrooms with catsup.
  • If you wear a photo ID badge, replace your photo with a picture of your favorite animal.
  • Begin your next meeting with a seance.
  • Hand out autographed photos of yourself. Assure everyone that they will valuable someday.
  • Pass out Bullshit Bingo cards at the next staff meeting. Include phrases like "win-win." "circle-back," and "success-oriented." (I had a boss actually do this one).
Click to expand...
I always use "as was foretold in the prophesy....."
btw, the kids say "High"
San Leandro.jpeg
 
Ha! Here some of the terms for bullshit bingo include:

kicking goals
at the coalface
touching base
stakeholders
capacity building
moving forward
if you will
engagement
transparency
connectivity
results oriented

Some of these may be a little out of date because I have managed to avoid being in a meeting for some years now. I've never worked in an office full-time - only ever been an interloper. I only ever worked in an office part-time when I was a student. I quickly worked out that I would be extremely unpopular in an office environment because I'm not good at sitting still or sitting quietly.
 
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