CONTEST: Chips

OK, now, stop me if you've heard this one before...

This guy gets sentenced to 10 years in prison. On his first day, his cell-mate is showing him the ropes. Out in the exercise yard, someone yells out "Number 36!" Everyone busts out laughing. A few minutes later, another guy yells out "Number 177!" People are rolling on the ground in hysterics. The new guy asks his cell-mate "What's going on? What's with all the numbers and why are they so funny?" His cell-mate explains that they have all been there a long time and everyone knows all of the same jokes. To save time, they numbered them. When someone yells out a number, everyone thinks of that joke. New guy says "I want to play too, how do I learn the numbers?" His cell-mate offers to write a few down for him so he can join in the laughter. The new guy is enjoying being able to laugh along with the guys and after a couple weeks he feels confident enough to yell out a number himself. Out on the exercise yard, he shouts "Number 52!" Nothing. The other prisoners are just looking at each other and shaking their heads. So he tries again "Number 75!" Crickets. He turns to one of the other prisoners and says "I don't get it. Everyone laughed so hard last week when Joe over there yelled out 'Number 75.' What's the deal?"
The other prisoner responded "I guess some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
 
Chuck D. Bones said:
OK, now, stop me if you've heard this one before...

This guy gets sentenced to 10 years in prison. On his first day, his cell-mate is showing him the ropes. Out in the exercise yard, someone yells out "Number 36!" Everyone busts out laughing. A few minutes later, another guy yells out "Number 177!" People are rolling on the ground in hysterics. The new guy asks his cell-mate "What's going on? What's with all the numbers and why are they so funny?" His cell-mate explains that they have all been there a long time and everyone knows all of the same jokes. To save time, they numbered them. When someone yells out a number, everyone thinks of that joke. New guy says "I want to play too, how do I learn the numbers?" His cell-mate offers to write a few down for him so he can join in the laughter. The new guy is enjoying being able to laugh along with the guys and after a couple weeks he feels confident enough to yell out a number himself. Out on the exercise yard, he shouts "Number 52!" Nothing. The other prisoners are just looking at each other and shaking their heads. So he tries again "Number 75!" Crickets. He turns to one of the other prisoners and says "I don't get it. Everyone laughed so hard last week when Joe over there yelled out 'Number 75.' What's the deal?"
The other prisoner responded "I guess some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
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Variation on the punch-line I heard:

NewGuy yells out a number he's never heard anyone else yell out. "#41"
Crickets.
NewGuy to Lifer: "What's wrong with #41?"
Lifer: "Everybody's heard that one before."
 
Chuck D. Bones said:
That was baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

shaun-the-sheep-clapping-gif.14932
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Not to knit-pick, but no need to ram the point home. Woollen ewe feel sheepish giving the lambs' clap?
 
Chuck you know all my late father's favourite jokes!

My dad had dementia and deteriorated over many years. Before he got too bad I could tell him the same joke every time I saw him because he could still get jokes but couldn't remember any that I told him. So we had a joke I would tell him every time I saw him. And every time it was the first time he heard it:

A old guy has a bunch of friends who are trying to decide what to get him for his 80th birthday. Old Bill is a long-time widower, sprightly for his age and lives alone. So his friends decide to surprise him with a lady of the night, figuring it will have been a while but Bill will still be up to it. So come Bill's birthday he is getting ready for dinner when there is a knock on his door. He answers and there is a tall, smokin' hot blonde with a suggestive look in her eye - she says "Hey Bill, are you ready for some super sex?" Bill thinks about this for a while, and says "Ok, I'll take the soup."

My dad laughed every time. The other one he liked:

A travelling salesman stopped in at a country town for the night and went to the local bar for a drink. Next to him at the bar was an older couple who looked like they were celebrating in their own private way. He couldn't help overhearing their conversation as they had to speak up for each others deafness. The old guy was saying how much he loved his wife even after 50 years together. His wife said to him "Remember when we'd come in here on a Saturday night and you'd walk me home?" The old guy chuckled, remembering. She continued "You were so manly. I'd pretend to be shocked that you wanted to take me against Farmer Jones' fence out the back there but those were some of the best times of my life." They both smiled, reminiscing. Then the old guy's face lit up "Y'know I reckon we could do it again! One last time for old times' sake!" She giggled and said "Well maybe..."

The salesman felt a bit guilty about hearing all of this but his curiosity was piqued. After the bar closed he stood at some distance while the old couple wandered off. Sure enough, they slowly drew closer to a farmer's fence behind the old bar, and before he knew what was happening the old girl had dropped her drawers and embraced her husband. As he leant towards her he grasped the fence in his hands to brace himself and they made powerful, unbelievably energetic love. They flung themselves around with such abandon the salesman could not believe his eyes. Before long they dropped in a heap on the ground recovering. The salesman slunk away to his motel room.

The next night the salesman went to the same bar and found the old guy on his own. He turned to the old fella and asked "Your wife not joining you tonight?" The old man looked weary and said "No, just me tonight. She's having a rest". The salesman thought for a moment and said "look, I feel a bit bad about this but I am so impressed with you two. I have to admit that I saw you and your wife making love last night and you were so vibrant, so energetic, so full of vigour... How on earth do you do it?"

The old guy looked wistful, drawing on his memories. "You know, we often did like to take a risky quicky out there by Farmer Jones' fence. It was exciting and reckless. We were young and madly in love." Then he turned to the salesman "But in those days the fence wasn't electrified".
 
The kids bedtime routine has derailed the winners unveiling ceremony. We will now cut to an advertising break and will return shortly with the name of the winners.
 
I think they're out for delivery here, so they should go out tomorrow, Those chips have logged more miles than a career-trucker. Time to fasten those wandering legs into a nice comfy dip-socket (preferably milled) and shape some mellow vibes.
 
JamieJ said:
So after much deliberation our winner of the V3207D and V3102 chips is……. @HamishR
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Hamish, your jokes were great and you totally deserve the win!

Your first joke reminded me of this one:

After 40 years of diligent service, the mailman in a small town was retiring. Everyone in town knew him well and they were all giving him retirement gifts of one kind or another. A nice watch, a bottle of scotch, box of cigars, that kind of thing. At one house, when he walks up to the door to deliver the mail there for the last time, the lady of the house greets him at the door wearing only lingerie. She takes him by the hand, walks him upstairs to the bedroom, takes off his clothes and makes passionate love to him. The mailman is speechless. Afterwards, she leads him down to the kitchen, makes him breakfast and hands him a dollar. Finally the mailman speaks. "Ma'am, that was the finest retirement gift ever and I really appreciate it, but I have to ask, why the dollar bill?"
She replies, "Last week, I told my husband you were retiring and we should get you a nice gift. He said 'Fuck him! Give him a buck.' Breakfast was my idea."
 
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