More jokes

Tucker Carlson was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said Tucker. "How about why there is a God, or a Heaven or Hell, or life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
Tucker, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?".....
 
what's black and blue and floating in the irish sea?
the anglo who wouldn't stop telling irish jokes..
I gave up a majority of ethnic based jokes, not from morality but a couple incidents... towards the end of my interment known as 'school' a wave of polish had moved in. I started tellign a polish joke when they stopped me and asked "do you speak polish?" I replied no to be bitch slapped with how's it feel being dumber than a pollock?
 
I once worked with a woman who was a Pole and I told her that I very much enjoyed her national dance. I knew her well and knew she wouldn't take offence.
 
Did you hear about the all-bovine adaptation of the Bonnie And Clyde story? I don’t wanna to spoil anything, but just… the ending… HOL(E)Y COW!

It works better as a spoken joke. Also I suck at writing jokes
 
An old one, very tasteless, but it always makes me chuckle (and then immediately feel like an a-hole). Not sure who it’s originally by…


What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard


I feel bad just writing that, but damn… it’s funny
 
Mentaltossflycoon said:
It's a math joke. Therfore, it's humor for intellectuals.
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Exactly the logic which allows me to enjoy dyslexia jokes. They're not making fun of dyslexia, they're just a play on words. I will always enjoy the simplicity of "Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to santa?" It's just such a lovely, absurd image. Nobody with dyslexia should be offended.

I once had a job photographing an event where our Aussie Para-olympian athletes had returned home with their medals and I photographed some of them with "important" people. One of the women I photographed was a blind swimmer, so I asked her if her dog swam with her underwater or ran along the side of the pool? She laughed but I heard a woman behind me gasp with indignation - Did you hear what he said??

So just in case I said to the swimmer "Oh no - I hope I didn't upset you - I certainly didn't mean to!" And she laughed and commented on how uptight and PC some people were. She said some of the jokes disabled people at the games made were much, much worse!
 
Indeed, the 1 guy who made the most of the "name of a para/quadriplegics' jokes had bad rheumatoid arthritis in his hips and could barely stand.
on that note
3 guys walked in to a bar.. think 1 of them would have seen it.
 
3 little old ladies are sitting on a park bench when all of a sudden a flasher came by and opened up his trench coat. In all the excitement the first little old lady had a stroke. Then the second little old lady had a stroke. The third little old lady couldn't reach.
 
3 other nuns are walking through a park. a homeless guy is taking a bath in the fountain actually using his pan handling money for things like soaps, towels, toothpaste. he sees the ladies coming and dives in to the hedges but his bits are partially hanging out. The 1st nun walks by and yanks on it and she calls out hey girls, come pull this I just got a bar of soap. Next 1 comes over and gives it a yank and screams woohoo I got a towel. the 3rd wanders over and grumbles, all I got was some hand cream...
 
Three nuns are painting one of the rooms in their convent. To avoid getting paint on their habits, they decide to paint naked. As they're applying the last coat, there's a knock on the door. One of the nuns says "Who is it?"
"Blind Man."
The three nuns confer and decide that since the man is blind, it would be ok to open the door. So they do. The guy is wearing dark sunglasses and he's carrying a box of Venetian blinds.
"Here ya go sisters."
They breathe a sigh of relief.
"By the way, nice tits," he says.
 
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The only place I was able to pump my own gas in Oregon was at Crater Lake Nation Park. Federal land, you see.

I showed my wife that pic and she said "I hope people don't get the impression that women don't know how to pump gas."

She work at a gas station in her teens and a few years ago helped me pull & reinstall the engine in her pickup.
 
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