More jokes

And now, for something a little lighter...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
 
An old fella with a hangover & down on his luck is driving his clapped out ute when it Coughs & Splutters to a stop.
He climbs out & cracks open the Bonnet & sees a Rod out the side of the Block.
He is standing there looking pretty sad & a Car pulls up & the Driver walks up & says '' What's the Problem'
The old fella turns to him & says '' Pissed n' Broke '' !!!
 
Last edited:
music6000 said:
An old fella with a hangover & down on his luck is driving his clapped old out ute when it Coughs & Splutters to a stop.
He climbs out & cracks open the Bonnet & sees a Rod out the side of the Block.
He is standing there looking pretty sad & a Car pulls up & the Driver walks up & says '' What's the Problem'
The old fella turns to him & says '' Pissed n' Broke '' !!!
Click to expand...
Was it "Holden" it in too long?
 
Pauleo1214 said:
FORD
Fix or repair daily
Found only rolling downhill

FIAT
Fix it again Tony

GEO
Good engineering overlooked

LOTUS
Lots of trouble, usually serious
Click to expand...
CHEVROLET
Chews Hinges, Eats Valves, Races Only Little Engine Trucks

BMW
Bring My Wallet

JEEP
Just Empty Every Pocket

DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand, Nothing’s Drivable And Inexpensive.

A few years ago, Ford started engineering the front seats in all their vehicles to fully recline. When asked about it, a Ford spokesperson replied that it was so the drivers could take a nap while waiting on a tow truck.
 
coltonius said:
CHEVROLET
Chews Hinges, Eats Valves, Races Only Little Engine Trucks

BMW
Bring My Wallet

JEEP
Just Empty Every Pocket

DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand, Nothing’s Drivable And Inexpensive.

A few years ago, Ford started engineering the front seats in all their vehicles to fully recline. When asked about it, a Ford spokesperson replied that it was so the drivers could take a nap while waiting on a tow truck.
Click to expand...
GMC

GIve me a cheeseburger.
 
Not too long ago, a blonde was driving through the hills of southern California in her brand new Corvette Z06 with a beautiful Torch Red finish. As she wove through traffic, up and down the hills, she reflected on the milestone of owning her dream car after saving for years to afford it.

Suddenly, out of nowhere it seemed, a rabbit darted in front of her car. She swerved to miss it, and in doing so nearly side swiped another driver. That driver, trying to avoid the collision, veered sharply to the right and into a shallow ditch. Panicked, the blonde looped back to the scene as quickly as traffic would permit to check on the wrecked motorist.

When she arrived, he was just emerging from his vehicle- shaken but apparently uninjured. Nevertheless, she exited her shiny new 'Vette to inquire about his well-being. The man became angry at the site of the new Corvette and immediately began ranting, "You crazy rich drivers! You don't give a single thought to anybody else on the road, you only care about yourselves! LOOK at my car! Look at what you've done! You're gonna pay to have this fixed!"

Realizing there was no good time to break the news, the blonde informed her fellow motorist that she had only purchased the car that morning and hadn't yet set up the insurance coverage.

"Ugghh.." said the man. Then inspiration struck. He inquired, "Say, do you believe in magic?"

"Why, yes of course," replied the blonde. "I believe magical forces are at work all around us and in our lives."

"Perfect," said the man, and he quickly retrieved a piece of chalk and a baseball bat from the trunk of his car. Before she could move, the man walked up to her and drew a chalk circle around the blonde where she stood on the shoulder.

"That's a magic circle," he said. "You can't cross it or you'll have bad luck for a really, really long time."

The blonde was confused, but she didn't dare leave the circle. And as she stood there, the man gripped the baseball bat and began whacking her car- first the headlights, then the bumper and the hood. As he did this, he heard a coughing noise from the blonde and looked up to see whether she was crying over her new Corvette being treated so poorly. She wasn't crying, though. She was laughing!

Infuriated, the man said, "Oh you think that's funny? Let's see how ****ing funny you think THIS is!" and in a single swing he dislodged the the driver's side mirror and launched it 50 yards down the shoulder.

More giggles.

SMASH! The driver's window was shattered with another swing.

The blonde erupted into full-on laughter now. SMASH! SMASH! The windshield's safety glass was now checkered with cracks and bore two bat-sized holes... But not only was the blonde un-phased, she was nearly doubled over in laughter at this point!

Exasperated, the man put down his bat and screamed, "WHAT is so funny? I'm over here destroying your brand new car and you're laughing your ass off like a moron!"

The blonde tried to compose herself. After a few seconds, she was finally able to calm herself enough to respond, "While you were hitting my car.." She paused for a few seconds of laughter, then continued, "While you were hitting my car, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
 
coltonius said:
Not too long ago, a blonde was driving through the hills of southern California in her brand new Corvette Z06 with a beautiful Torch Red finish. As she wove through traffic, up and down the hills, she reflected on the milestone of owning her dream car after saving for years to afford it.

Suddenly, out of nowhere it seemed, a rabbit darted in front of her car. She swerved to miss it, and in doing so nearly side swiped another driver. That driver, trying to avoid the collision, veered sharply to the right and into a shallow ditch. Panicked, the blonde looped back to the scene as quickly as traffic would permit to check on the wrecked motorist.

When she arrived, he was just emerging from his vehicle- shaken but apparently uninjured. Nevertheless, she exited her shiny new 'Vette to inquire about his well-being. The man became angry at the site of the new Corvette and immediately began ranting, "You crazy rich drivers! You don't give a single thought to anybody else on the road, you only care about yourselves! LOOK at my car! Look at what you've done! You're gonna pay to have this fixed!"

Realizing there was no good time to break the news, the blonde informed her fellow motorist that she had only purchased the car that morning and hadn't yet set up the insurance coverage.

"Ugghh.." said the man. Then inspiration struck. He inquired, "Say, do you believe in magic?"

"Why, yes of course," replied the blonde. "I believe magical forces are at work all around us and in our lives."

"Perfect," said the man, and he quickly retrieved a piece of chalk and a baseball bat from the trunk of his car. Before she could move, the man walked up to her and drew a chalk circle around the blonde where she stood on the shoulder.

"That's a magic circle," he said. "You can't cross it or you'll have bad luck for a really, really long time."

The blonde was confused, but she didn't dare leave the circle. And as she stood there, the man gripped the baseball bat and began whacking her car- first the headlights, then the bumper and the hood. As he did this, he heard a coughing noise from the blonde and looked up to see whether she was crying over her new Corvette being treated so poorly. She wasn't crying, though. She was laughing!

Infuriated, the man said, "Oh you think that's funny? Let's see how ****ing funny you think THIS is!" and in a single swing he dislodged the the driver's side mirror and launched it 50 yards down the shoulder.

More giggles.

SMASH! The driver's window was shattered with another swing.

The blonde erupted into full-on laughter now. SMASH! SMASH! The windshield's safety glass was now checkered with cracks and bore two bat-sized holes... But not only was the blonde un-phased, she was nearly doubled over in laughter at this point!

Exasperated, the man put down his bat and screamed, "WHAT is so funny? I'm over here destroying your brand new car and you're laughing your ass off like a moron!"

The blonde tried to compose herself. After a few seconds, she was finally able to calm herself enough to respond, "While you were hitting my car.." She paused for a few seconds of laughter, then continued, "While you were hitting my car, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Click to expand...
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin, throw it back.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell 'cause she's got the grenade in her mouth.

One day a blonde is doing a puzzle.

After a while, she becomes stumped. "Honey!" she calls to her husband. "Can you help me with this puzzle?"

Her husband responds, "Sure! What is it a puzzle of?"

"A tiger!" she says.

The husband walks into the room where his wife is, "Sweetie, put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 
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