More jokes

HamishR said:
I forgot I wasn't free.

I like to think of myself as quite pricey. I'm no cheap tart. I'm expensive.

Which reminds me of when my son was little. His uncle was leaving after a visit and said to my boy "Seeya you little bastard!" My son protested "NO!! I'm BIG!!"

And he's definitely not free.
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And why is it you're not speaking Japanese? Our obsession with the flag.
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One day, the pastor was unable to find his coat. He looked all over the parsonage and then the church, but to no avail. He though to himself, "someone must have stolen it." This gave him the idea to make the Ten Commandments the focal point of his next sermon. That Sunday, he began his sermon by explaining the importance of the Ten Commandments, one by one. When he got to the 7th Commandment, he abruptly shifted gears and started preaching about forgiveness. After the service, one of the parishioners ask the pastor why he didn't finish preaching the Ten Commandments. He replied "when I got to the one about adultery, I remembered where I left my coat."
 
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Ole, Sven & Lena are drinking together at the bar. They get pretty hammered. Ole excuses himself to visit the restroom and when he gets back, Sven & Lena are gone. Ole asks the bartender, "did you see vere Sven and my vife vent?"
The bartender says, "they left right after you went into the restroom."
Ole goes out into the parking lot and spies Sven & Lena making love in his car. He goes back into the bar, laughing his ass off. The bartender asks "hey Ole, what is so funny?"
Ole replies "oh dat Sven, he's so drunk he tinks he's me!"
 
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could just see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.,,
 
A group of three married couples are golfing.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear."


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she also isn't wearing undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. At least tidy yerself up a bit!"
 
“Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no system for a basis of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.”
 
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