More jokes

The way I heard this one...

Tarzan has a terrible vine swinging accident, and ends up losing an eye, a leg and his penis. The witch doctor is able to save his life and gives him three prosthetics; they eye of an Eagle, the leg of a cheetah and the trunk of an elephant.

A week later Tarzan returns to the doctor and says he has a problem with one of the prosthetics.

"Is it the eye that is giving you problems?"

"Well, at first it was hard to see, but now I've gotten used to it I can see for miles."

"Oh, so it must be the leg."

"For the first few days I just ended up running in circles, but now that I'm used to it I can run super fast."

"But surely it can't be the trunk? Any man would kill for that length and girth!"

"Yeah, it's pretty cool, but the damn thing keeps on picking up leaves and shoving them up my ass!"
 
My son was 5 years old the first time we took him to the zoo. When we got over to the elephant habitat, he pointed at one of the elephants and asked my wife "Mom, what's that hanging down from the elephant over then?"
She told him "That's his trunk."
"No Mom, around the back."
"That's his tail."
"Not that, I mean underneath."
She did not want to give a lesson on the birds & the bees right at that moment, so she told him "Oh, that's nothing."
These answers did not satisfy his curiosity, so he approached me with the same question. "Hey Dad, what's than hanging down from that elephant over there?"
"That's his trunk, Son."
"No, I mean in the back."
"That's his tail."
Not that either, look underneath. What is that?"
"Well Son, that's his penis."
"Oh, ok. How come Mom said it was nothing?"
"Son, I've spoiled that woman."
 
Chuck D. Bones said:
View attachment 53631
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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 
Chuck D. Bones said:
There is a practical joke that is about to fade into history with so many states outlawing internal combustion lawn mowers.

My neighbor likes to drink beer while he mows his lawn. One day, I bet him ten bucks that he could not pee on the sparkplug while the mower was running.
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I am really hoping they slow down that legislation. 5 gallons gets me over 6-7 months of mowing my 0 46 acre lawn once a week. I would need to charge a battery powered mower twice to mow it once.

Chuck D. Bones said:
I saw it posted twice.
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My internet speed was really, really slow when I posted that. I hit the post reply button twice.
 
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