More jokes

[coltonius]

How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask him to pronounce “unionized”.

Spoiler

The plumber will say union-ized, whereas the chemist will say un-ionized.

 

[PapaBear]

Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.

I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

Just when I think I'm over my insomnia the car behind me honks.

I have a hunch that my posture is not the best.

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

I just blew the powdered sugar off my donut. Dieting is hard!

Most times I feel I am a reasonably intelligent person.
Then there are those time when I need to silently sing the alphabet song in order to remember which letter comes next

If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.

I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt.

I wish more things in my life could be blamed on auto correct.

I'm not so much anti-social as I am pro-being left alone.

My ability to remember song lyrics from the 70’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen. ‬
Those 100 calorie packs aren't so bad if you have 3 or 4 of them.

 

[jimilee]

Every time, without fail, anyone mentions Sushi. My dad always, and I mean always says Sushi is good if you cook it right.

 

[Chuck D. Bones]

When I order sushi at a restaurant, I always eat it right away before it gets cold.

 

[jimilee]

When I order sushi at a restaurant, I always eat it right away before it gets cold.

Bwahahahaha that’s a new one.

 

[PapaBear]

 

[finebyfine]

Courtesy of a coworker’s 6 year old daughter today

What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes?

Spoiler

Open toad!

Courtesy of my dad’s pal Moishe, a true mensch if there ever was one. For Jewish eyes only

 

[Pauleo1214]

 

[Chuck D. Bones]

Never make snow angels in a dog park.

 

[Chuck D. Bones]

I saw a sign at the entrance to Walmart that read:
Due to the extreme cold, all customers are urged to wear two pairs of pajamas while shopping.

 

[PapaBear]

I saw a sign at the entrance to Walmart that read:
Due to the extreme cold, all customers are urged to wear two pairs of pajamas while shopping.

And here I thought that was a southern redneck regional regimen!

 

[PapaBear]

 

[Chuck D. Bones]

I always wondered where those "People of Walmart" photos were shot. The strangest thing I saw in an Orange county Walmart was a couple of women who were dressed like pole dancers.

 

[PapaBear]

 

[Chuck D. Bones]

Walmart bingo card.

 

[PapaBear]

I always wondered where those "People of Walmart" photos were shot. The strangest thing I saw in an Orange county Walmart was a couple of women who were dressed like pole dancers.

I saw a guy in the Jasper Georgia Walmart (hill country) several times wearing a leather skirt, fishnet stockings, boots and doggie make up and his partner leading him with a leash! And they say there's no diversity in small towns?

 

[Chuck D. Bones]

And you didn't ask if you could take a pic?

 

[PapaBear]

Walmart bingo card.
View attachment 66854

They missed person holding "help needed sign" in front of "now hiring sign!"

 

[PapaBear]

And you didn't ask if you could take a pic?

Didn't want one!

 

[drgonzo1969]

It’s probably on a different website….