More jokes

Chuck D. Bones said:
He's on a roll...
Click to expand...
I'm here all week!

Three surgeons are discussing their patients...

The first surgeon says, 'I like operating on electricians, you open them up and everything is colour coded and tagged and easy to trace'

The second surgeon says 'I enjoy opening librarians. Everything is catalogued and in order, so really easy to find things'

The third surgeon says 'I enjoy working on mechanics. They're always so understanding if you have any bits left over!'
 
Might as well throw another one in there.

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The lady sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' The lady asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says.'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'
 
Reminds me of when these 2 guys walked in to a bar.. 3rd guy ducked.

A priest, minister and rabbi walk in to a pub, bar tender looks up and asks" is this a joke?"

Last 1. A recently released from prison male went to the nearest house of ill repute not knowing the ways of inflation during his decade of incarceration thinking he had enough for a quickie. The madam finds out he only has 20bucks and tells him he'll only be able to get a penguin. The guy heads to a nearby room, the girl walks in, tells him to drop his pants. She looks over his equipment for a minute and leaves the room. He comes waddling out after her yelling "hey, I paid for a service, what's a penguin?!?!?"
 
A lady I work with ask if I heard on the news about the sex maniac who escaped from the asylum. I replied I had; she says he showed up at her house last night! What did you do I ask? She said I called the police, first thing this morning and told them they could come pick him up!
 
Last edited:
This guy Bob is promoted to department manager and one of his first tasks in his new role is workforce reduction. His boss tells him that due to a downturn in new business, he has to lay one of the people in his department off. He's told to it should be the person with the least seniority. When Bob reviews the personnel files, he realizes that the two people with the least seniority were hired on the same day and their job performance is about the same. He has to choose either Jack or Sally and he needs to be impartial about it. He decides that whoever shows up earliest the next day gets to keep their job. The next morning, Bob sees that Jack shows up about 20 minutes before Sally. Reluctantly, he goes over to Sally's cubicle and tells her, "I'm sorry but business has not been good lately and I need to lay you or Jack off." Sally responds "Would you mind just jacking off? I'm nursing a hangover."
 
Ever go to a catholic church? ever see that small room with the curtains for doors.. I went in there 1 time, spoke with some old fart hiding behind a screen. That was the most times I've heard "wow" and "holy madre what in the.." in 15 minutes.


2 girls go to confession and admit the sins of the last week.. the 2nd girl steps out and screams at the 1 who finished first walking towards the holy water vessel " hold on before you sink your arse in there I need to gargle!!!!"
 
A young Irish lad is in the confessional. "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have taken certain liberties with a girl from school."
The priest says "Tell me Michael, who was this girl of such poor moral standing?"
Michael replies "Father, I cannot give her name and sully her reputation."
"Was it that naughty Maureen O'Hara?"
"Father, please don't ask because I cannot say."
"How about Eileen McGinty?"
"I will not give her name, Father."
"Then it must have been Shannon O'connor."
"Please, Father, do not make me reveal her name."
"Son, I admire your loyalty. For your sins you must say 5 Hail Mary's and you may not sing in the choir for a month. No go and sin no more."

When Michael leaves the confessional, he sees Patrick Murphy sitting in the pews. Patrick says "Well, Michael what did you get?"
"A month's vacation from choir and three good leads."
 
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

@szukalski 's Kryptonite.
1676564781484.png
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top