More jokes

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
 
Batman and Robin are walking down the street.

Robin: Hey Batman, can I tell you a joke?

Batman: Sure, Robin.

R: Knock, knock

B: Who's there?

R: NOT YOUR PARENTS
 
Here's a good holiday prank. It's a variation on the "Dirty Sanchez" that I call the "Dr. Sanchez." You fart in someone's COVID mask. Particularly funny if you do it just before the victim boards a long airline flight.
 
I know it's meant as a joke Chuck but please don't anyone ever do that! There are millions of harmful viruses in a fart - seriously! You should never fart directly into someone's face either, despite how much you might want to.

I prefer to light my farts in a dark room. If you have a good long one it can be spectacular.

I was on a flight from Brisbane to Perth once - a long, horrible flight across Australia against a headwind. I was on the aisle in the vary last row, where the plane gets narrower but the people who install the seats pretend not to notice. Three seats each side of the aisle, 6 big blokes crammed against each other all keen to just get home. Then this huge fat bugger gets up from the middle of the plane, waddles down to use the toilet we are perilously close too. Spends ten minutes in there, opens the door and the back two rows of the plane gasp at the smell - a toxic blend of failing bowels, bad chemistry and death.

A few minutes later I need to use the toilet so stand waiting for the other one to become available. A stewardess comes down and tells me the first one iss free - I say "I'm not going in there!" She asks why so I pinch my nose to suggest it was smelly. She says breezily "Oh I can fix that", gets a paper towel and puts some drops of nilodour on in and goes in, then straight back out again - gets a handful of towels, empties the bottle of nilodour into them and bravely goes back in. She comes out, visibly paler than before, and says "I see what you mean!"

The fat bugger kept coming back for repeat performances ever 20 minutes or so. So I walked up and down the aisles to get away from it. I don't know what that guy had been eating but I suspect he might not be around any longer.
 
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A police officer notices how fast he’s going and pulls him over. The officer says to the man, “Are you aware how fast you were going?”

The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The officer gives him a sceptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”

The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”

The officer looks shocked that the man has admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding and committed a robbery?”

“Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”

The officer begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” He reaches in the window to subdue the man.

“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you’ll find the gun in my glove compartment!”

The officer pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.

The officer calls for backup. Soon cops, cars and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car.

However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the officer that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the boot of your car and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
 
That reminds me of a quantum physics joke...

Erwin Schrödinger & Werner Heisenberg are cruising down the highway. Heisenberg is driving. A cop pulls them over and asks Heisenberg if he knows how fast he was going. Heisenberg responds "No, but I know exactly where I am."
The cop thinks that's an odd response and becomes suspicious of the two men, so he peers thru the car windows looking for anything out of the ordinary. Then he says "I need you to open trunk."
Schrödinger gets flustered and says "No! Don't look in the trunk!"
Now the cop is very suspicious and demands that they open the trunk. Heisenberg reluctantly complies. The cop goes around to the back of the car, looks in the trunk and says "Did you know you have a dead cat in here?"
To which Schrödinger replies "We do now, asshole!"
 
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "free". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "free". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
 
Back when I was working full-time, sometimes the job would get pretty stressful. One day I was talking to my boss and I mentioned the stress I was under. He told me when he gets overstressed he takes the afternoon off, goes home and makes love with his wife. He suggested that might work for me too. I took his advice and left for the rest of the day. The next morning I was back in the office and my boss approached me. "So, how did it go? You feeling any better?"
I told him, "Oh yeah, that was exactly what I needed. One more thing... you have a very nice house."
 
I remember sex education in the 5th grade. We had a progressive teacher and she thought it made sense to teach the boys and girls together. The first part of the lesson was body parts. She asked if someone could come up to the board and draw a penis. Of course all of the boys snickered and raised their hands, but she said "could of of the girls please come up and draw a penis? How about you, Suzie?" This shy little red-haired girl came up to the front of the room, timidly picked up the chalk and proceeded to draw a huge raging hard-on.
The teacher said "That's very good, but you're getting ahead of the lesson. Could you please draw it the other way?"
To which Suzie replied "What other way?"
 
A young Jewish couple are about to get married and they are visiting their Rabbi for counseling. The young man asks "Rabbi, am I allowed to dance with my bride at the ceremony?"
The Rabbi responds "Because this will be an Orthodox ceremony, you will not be allowed to do that because it is considered immodest for men and women to dance together."
Then the bride asks "Can we make love before we are married?"
The Rabbi says "Yes, of course you can. Reproduction is a mitzvah."
The groom asks "Can we do it in the kitchen?"
"Yes, it's a mitzvah!"
"How about standing up, can we do it that way?"
"Absolutely not! Might lead to dancing."
 
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