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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
 
Wow. That kinda hits home. The first time I crashed my bike, my girlfriend (later to be my wife) was on the back. We smashed into the back of a car at an intersection. We were only going about 5 to 10MPH but it was enough to put us both over the handlebars. She was wearing my helmet. She did a flip and landed on her back. I did a face plant in the street. I stood up, dazed, and tried to pick up my bike. She came up and said "Here let me help you." The first words I said to her was "How did you get here so quickly?"
That's when she told me to "Go sit on the curb and wait for the ambulance."
 
My wife will never get on a bike with me. I only got into motorbikes because she bought a Vespa to get to work on. She was always unhappy riding it though! She thought 30kph felt like doing the ton. I loved riding even though it felt like a barstool on wheels.

As this is a jokes thread I'd better tell a joke - it's old but I still like it: What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac think at 3.00 in the morning?

Is there really a dog?
 
Three women are having drinks together and the topic of discussion turns to their husband's style in the bedroom. The first woman says "As you know, my husband is a doctor. He's always very clean and he pays attention to all the details. I really like that."
The second woman says "My husband works in construction. He comes to bed all sweaty and he can be a little rough sometimes, but that's how I like it."
The third woman says "My husband is an engineer. All he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it will be when I finally get it."
 
OK, now, stop me if you've heard this one before.

This drummer is complaining to his buddy, a bass player, that he's having trouble picking up girls. The bass player asks "Where do you go to pick up girls?"
"In bars, at gigs, places like that."
"Those are lousy places to pick up girls. You should try meeting girls at the beach. Tell ya what, I'm going there tomorrow. You can come with me and see what I'm talking about."
The drummer is amenable, so the next day they meet at the beach. They spread out their towels and lie back in the sun. Before too long, a couple of girls walk by and they start talking to the bass player. He gets their phone numbers. They totally ignore the drummer. It goes on like that for the entire day. As they're packing up to leave, the drummer says "I don't get it. The girls flock around you and shine me on."
The bass player says "We can try again tomorrow. You can use my secret weapon."
"Secret weapon?"
"Yeah. You put a potato in your trunks. Girls can't resist that."
So the next day, the drummer and bass player are back at the beach. Just like the day before, the girls are only interested in the bass player. After a couple of hours the drummer exclaims "This sucks! I tried your secret weapon and it doesn't work."
"That's weird, it always worked for me. Stand up, let's see what's going on."
The drummer stands up. The bass player takes one look at him and says "You idiot! You're supposed to put the potato in the front."
 
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A missionary is assigned to a remote village in Africa. When he arrives, he hears drumming. The drumming goes on all day and it's starting wear on the missionary's nerves. That evening, he approaches a villager and asks "When is the drumming going to stop?"
The villager shakes his head and mutters "Very bad when drumming stops."
The missionary figures that it must be a local custom and goes to his hut for the night. The next morning, he awakens to the same incessant drumming. He approaches another villager and asks "Please, can you tell me when the drumming will stop?"
This villager too responds the same way "When drumming stops, very bad."
A few more times he tries to find out when the drumming will stop and he always gets the same answer "When drumming stops, very bad."
Finally he approaches one of the village elders and asks him when the drumming will stop.
The elder tells him "Very bad when drumming stops."
"What does it mean when the drumming stops? Why is that bad?"
"Oh, very bad. When drumming stops, bass solo."
 
I was out golfing with my wife when she got stung by a bee and had a severe allergic reaction. I told her "how hard can it be to find a doctor on a golf course?" I ran over to the next group and asked "are any of you doctors?"
One guy said "yes, I am."
"Doctor, we need your help. My wife was stung by a bee and she's having a bad reaction."
"Where was she stung?"
"Between the first and second holes."
"Tell her that her stance is too wide."
 
Patrick & Murphy were out fishing at sea. When they were done for the day, they tried to start up the engine but it just wouldn't start. They were miles from land. Patrick says "What are we going to do now?"
Murphy tells him "We're just going to have to wait here for someone to come by and rescue us."
After two days a bottle floats by and Patrick grabs it. When he uncorks it, a genie comes out and says "I will grant you one wish."
Patrick thinks for a moment and says "I want you to turn the ocean into Guinness."
The genie snaps his fingers and the entire ocean turns black with a nice creamy foam on top.
Murphy says "Why in the Hell did you go and do that? Now I'm going to have to piss in the boat."
 
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