More jokes

We have a Smeg oven, stove top, kettle and toaster. They make excellent stuff. The toaster is the best we have had - way better than the "iconic" Dualit we had and which broke after a year.
 
Oh, does it mean something kinda fluid in the US? It doesn't here!

Here we have Mitsubishi selling a popular 4WD vehicle called a Pajero. In Spanish that's a slang term meaning "to masturbate". Literally it's to make hay. But Smeg is just a brand of electrical goods.
 
A madam opened the door to her brothel....

.....to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie." the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" "No. I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten 100 dollar bills and gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back rwo nights in a row (too expensive) and she didn't give discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man peeled off ten $100 bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night. But he paid Natalie the $1,000 and they went upstairs. After their session Natalie said, "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really! I have family in South Carolina." "I know. Your father died. I'm your sister's attorney and she asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
 
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A man who just died is delivered to a mortuary...

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
 
You have to read some of this with the accent or it's no fun at all, and if someone already posted it on pp 1-28, suck it.

Two Irish peasant women are toiling endlessly in the muddy fields, picking potatoes. On their knees in the muck and the mire.

One of 'em pulls two enormous spuds out of the ground, and, holding one in each hand, proclaims to her co-worker "ah, Molly—these remoind me of me hoosband's NOOTS they do."

"REALLY, SHANNON!" her friend replies..."they were that BIG were they???"

"NO!" Shannon explains..."they were that DOORTY!"

*remind
**husband
***nuts
****dirty
 
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