More jokes

coltonius said:
Today my boss pulled up to work in a brand new sports car and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Thanks! If you work hard, set goals, and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
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Sounds like my Boss, he keeps promising us a bonus, I tell all the new sales reps those bonuses are rarer than Unicorns. So now we all refer to them as such " Unicorn Bonuses". Always an excuse, or oh yeah I'm going to get to that! I don't even consider them happening anymore!
 
Barry said:
Sounds like my Boss, he keeps promising us a bonus, I tell all the new sales reps those bonuses are rarer than Unicorns. So now we all refer to them as such " Unicorn Bonuses". Always an excuse, or oh yeah I'm going to get to that! I don't even consider them happening anymore!
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Never feed your donkey the carrot.
 
Barry said:
I often chuckle to myself watching these guys come all gung ho! Thinking they'll bust ass for that big pay-off. I do my job mind you, but I don't put in the crazy hours I did before seeing the writing on the wall!
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My job pulled the carrot back a little. They didn’t think anyone was going to get the big bonus, let alone the majority of us. Now, they’ve increased our workload and lowered the bonus. But I digress, what was this thread about again?
 
A bear walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "You know you're not welcome here."

So the bear responds, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is it because I'm a bear?"

"No," said the bartender. "It has nothing to do with that. Last time you were here you ran up a $300 tab, tried to pay in pine cones, and got so piss drunk you could barely stand."

Incredulous, the bear asked, "Oh, I could bearly stand? Are you trying to make a bear joke out of this?" To which the bartender replied, "What? No, I-" But the bear interrupted, "What's next? You're gonna say you don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm an alcoholic?"

And the bartender was like, "Yeah.. I mean, that's kind of what I was getting to, but I wasn't going to make a bear joke out of it! I've been where you are. I've been worse than where you are. I just don't want to see someone suffer the way that I used to."

The bear sniffed, "How could you ever possibly help me?" And the bartender replied, "Well, I could give you my number. If you were ever serious about getting help you could just give me a call."

The bear thought for long while, then finally responded with "Okay. That sounds good."

"One more question, if you don't mind," asked the bartender. "Why the big pause?"

The bear sighed, then responded, "I don't know. I was born with them."
 
coltonius said:
A bear walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "You know you're not welcome here."

So the bear responds, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is it because I'm a bear?"

"No," said the bartender. "It has nothing to do with that. Last time you were here you ran up a $300 tab, tried to pay in pine cones, and got so piss drunk you could barely stand."

Incredulous, the bear asked, "Oh, I could bearly stand? Are you trying to make a bear joke out of this?" To which the bartender replied, "What? No, I-" But the bear interrupted, "What's next? You're gonna say you don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm an alcoholic?"

And the bartender was like, "Yeah.. I mean, that's kind of what I was getting to, but I wasn't going to make a bear joke out of it! I've been where you are. I've been worse than where you are. I just don't want to see someone suffer the way that I used to."

The bear sniffed, "How could you ever possibly help me?" And the bartender replied, "Well, I could give you my number. If you were ever serious about getting help you could just give me a call."

The bear thought for long while, then finally responded with "Okay. That sounds good."

"One more question, if you don't mind," asked the bartender. "Why the big pause?"

The bear sighed, then responded, "I don't know. I was born with them."
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A different take, I love it.

Lucky #11
 
coltonius said:
Sorry, I missed that! I’m a huge fan of jokes with unnecessary buildup. Guaranteed groan from the audience every time. :ROFLMAO:
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It was in another thread altogether. I've told the PolarBear version where he's ordering drink after drink after drink and every time there's that...





pause...




until he finally leaves the bar and then hit the punchline as he pays up.





How do you tell a grizzly bear from a brown bear?
It's a bit tricky.
Wait until the bear falls asleep. Sneak up on it and slap its ass and immediately run away and climb up a tree.
Now a brown bear will climb the tree and eat you. A grizzly bear will knock down the tree with his claws and eat you.

Grizzly Bear Notice:
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. Outdoors-enthusiasts should wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren't expecting them. Also, it's advised that nature-lovers carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoors-aficionados should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear fecal-matter. Black bear feces is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur. Grizzly-bear plot has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.
 
A few things to ponder:
How many twins argue about which one was unplanned?
Which letter in the word "scent" is silent, the S or the C?
When a bottle of poison passes its expiration date, does it become less poisonous or more poisonous?
Every time you clean something, you make something else dirty.
 
keanu-reeves-whoa.gif
 
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks,

"Does this taste funny to you?"

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says,

"I think we're doing this joke wrong."

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One turns to the other and asks,

"Does this taste funny to you?"

"No."
 
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