More jokes

[Deperduci]

When I was a teen, my father came to the living room and stated "son, to much masturbation causes blindness" I responded" dad, I'm over here"

 

[Pauleo1214]

Confucius says, " Man who goes to bed with a hard problem, wakes up with solution in hand."

 

[Deperduci]

also "Baseball is wrong, man with 4 balls can't walk!"

 

[Pauleo1214]

Now that we're on Confucius jokes, this one was low hanging fruit.

 

[coltonius]

Confucius says, “Man who runs in front of cars gets tired. Man who runs behind cars gets exhausted.”

 

[drgonzo1969]

confuscius says "man who goes to sleep with itchy ass, wakes up with stinky fingers"

 

[Bricksnbeatles]

 

[HamishR]

I loved the bit in Peter Jackson's Get Back movies where John Lennon looks straight into the camera through his little round glasses and says (deadpan) "Masturbation doesn't make you go blind it just makes you extremely short-sighted" (or words to that effect). Cut to Paul giggling.

There are some very funny parts in those movies.

 

[Pauleo1214]

 

[Chuck D. Bones]

Electric Chair:


Acoustic Chair:


Unplugged:

 

[Pauleo1214]

A man loses his dominant arm in an automobile accident.

After a few months trying to get used to life without his arm, he falls into a deep depression and decides to end it all. He takes the elevator to the top floor of the tallest building in town and walks to ledge of the roof. As he gazes down at the streets below, he sees a man with no arms, jumping up and down repeatedly, shimmyin' and shakin', hootin' and a hollerin'.

He says to himself, "I was just about to end it all because I lost one arm and there's this guy with no arms jumping for joy. I must know why!"

The man descends the elevator to the ground floor and runs out to the man in the street. He asks, "I was just at the top of that building ready to jump off because I lost my one arm, and then I saw you jumping for joy. You don't have any arms. What's the secret to a happy life?"

And the man says, "The f%^& are you talking about? My balls itch and I can't scratch them!"

 

[JTEX]

This actually happened to me a few days ago:
GF: I wanna go home and have sex.
Me: OK!!!
GF: Do you have something to do?

 

[Pauleo1214]

A guy goes in to a podiatrist office whips his thing out and slams it on the table. The doctor says "Hey! That's not a foot!"

The guy goes "I know, but still pretty impressive. Am I right?"

 

[Pauleo1214]

Patient - "Doc my thing is orange!"

Doctor - "When did it start?"

Patient - "A couple days after I got sent home when I got hurt at work two weeks ago."

Doctor - "What have you been doing since you are staying home?"

Patient - "Sitting at the computer eating Cheetos and watching Pornhub."

 

[Pauleo1214]

How do you tell a blonde and a brunette apart in the dark? Ask, "Can you hear me?," and wait for "I can't. It's too dark."

 

[Chuck D. Bones]

Did you hear about the blonde who thought Moby Dick was an STD?

 

[jimilee]

What’s the difference between pink and purple?





Your grip.

 

[Pauleo1214]

I am glad i didn't guess that Bob Barker would have lived to 100.

That's because I would have overbid!

 

[Chuck D. Bones]

 

[Bricksnbeatles]