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Chuck D. Bones

Chuck D. Bones

Circuit Wizard
Yes, I know the contest is over, but I have a few hundred more arrows in my quiver.

This drummer gets a job as a lumberjack so he could make some extra bread between gigs. He was able to cut down three trees a day. One day, on the way to the liquor store, he walked past a hardware store which was advertising a chain-saw that was guaranteed to cut down 10 trees a day. He figured it was a good investment, so he bought one. Next day, he's out cutting trees with his new saw. Although he was working his ass off, he could still only manage to fell three trees. Same thing the next day. Disappointed, he decides to return the chain-saw. He walks into the hardware store and tells the guy at the counter "I think this chain-saw is defective. I can only manage to cut down three trees a day with it."
The hardware store guys says "You're the first person to have a complaint with this saw, let me check it out."
So he fires it up right there in the store.
The drummer jumps back in bewilderment and shouts "What's that sound? What's that sound?"
 
My best music jokes are from my symphony days.

What's the optimal weight of an orchestral conductor? 2.5 lbs including the urn.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? On a bull, the horns are in front and the asshole's in the back.

How do you find a trombonists kid on the playground? Can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.

Difference between violin and viola? Violas take longer to burn.
 
Two geezers walk into a bar...

...you'd think at least one of them would've seen it.





Here's a fave of mine I heard from the fiddle player in my Celtic band...



Fergus’s having a regular checkup, though elderly, all is good; before leaving though, he solicits some free advice:
“Doc, I think my wife’s goin’ deaf, but can’t convince her to get tested if I’m not sure — how can I tell for sure?”

So the doctor suggests a surefire method for finding out if his wife is deaf and by how much.
Fergus goes home and around supper time when it’s her turn to make dinner, he goes to the living room at the opposite side of the house. Using an even, level, conversational tone and volume (just like the doc told him to) he asks:
“‘Allo m’ Love, what’s for dinner tonight?”

He pauses for an answer, hearing none he moves into the hall and in the same manner as the first, being sure to use the same even tone and volume, asks his question again:
“Darlin’, I’m starvin’, what’ll y’ be puttin’ on the dinner-table tonight?”

Hearing no reply, Fergus moves into the dining room where he further enquires:
“Tummy’s rumblin’, my angel, what’ll y’ be fillin’ it with this evening?”

Again, silence ensues, so he goes to the kitchen entrance where he sees his wife at the stove, her back to him — and so he plies another time:
“Sugar cup, thanks for slavin’ o’er the hot stove, what’s on the menu?”

Still no response, Fergus is a wee bit alarmed at how deaf his wife has obviously become. So he crosses the kitchen floor and loitering right behind her, puts a hand on her shoulder so as to not alarm her, again in that steady easy tone…
“Apple of my eye, that smells fantastic, what’s in the pot?”

She wheels around and shouts in his face:
“FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, FERGUS! FOR THE FIFTH TIME — STEAK & KIDNEY STEW, WE’RE HAVING BLEEDIN’ STEAK & FLIPPIN’ KIDNEY STEW!
 
Paradox916 said:
How do you get a drummer off your porch?

Pay for the pizza!
Click to expand...
I always enjoyed the variation that goes: What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza? The pizza can feed a family of 4.

Just remembered:

How can you tell when a drummer is walking behind you? You can hear their knuckles dragging.

How can you tell the stage is level? Drool seeps out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Seems like saying "badum tish" after these would just be salt in the wound.
 
So a trio of Labadors are at the vet, the first ask the other two, What you here for, Lab #2 says I'm a chewer, I chew on everything and finally I chewed up my owners favorite shoes, they're going to put me on Xanax try and calm me down, lab #3 says I'm a digger, I dig holes everywhere, finally I dug a hole through my owners brand new mattress, their putting me on Xanax, too. So what about you, Lab #1 says I'm a humper, I hump everything pillows, couchs, heck I'd hump the cat if I ever catch him, so the other day my owner was getting out of the shower and dropped her towel, she bent down to pick up and I couldn't resist, bam humping away I went, wow the others say guess you'll be getting the Xanax, too, He says Who Me? Na I'm here for a bath and to get my nails trimmed!
 
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Two women, a blonde and a redhead, are having coffee together when the doorbell rings. The redhead goes to answer the door and there is a florist delivering a bouquet of roses. The redhead walks back into the living room and tells the blonde, "These are from my husband. Dammit, now I'm going to have to spend the weekend with my legs in the air."
The blonde responds "Don't you have a vase?"
 
This old woman is having her routine checkup and her doctor asks, "do you have any pain or ailments to report?"
She says "Most nights, after dinner, I am overcome with a bout of flatulence, but it makes no sound and has no smell."
The doctor hands her a bottle of pills and tells her to take two a day and come back in a week.
A week later she is back at the doctor's office. "Doctor, I'm still experiencing flatulence, but now it smells horrible!"
He replies "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's see about getting you a hearing aid."
 
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I'm afraid we can say just about anything here. But let's not take advantage of the Site owner's tolerance.

A sax player and a trombone player are walking to a gig when they see a dog sitting on the sidewalk licking his balls.
The sax player says "Man, I wish I could do that."
The trombone play says "You might want to try petting him first."
 
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Hear about the Guy standing at the bar having a Beer & a regular walks up & puts his empty down & the Barman poors him a fresh one & says
''There ya go Donkey'' & the chap walks off.
After this happens again each time he gets a fresh one, the guys curiosity gets the better of him, '' Why does he keep callin' you Donkey''.
The chap replies '' He Haw, He Haw, He always calls me that !!!
 
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A piece of string walks into a bar, and the bartender loudly proclaims, “Get OUT! We don’t serve strings in this establishment!” Disappointed, the string leaves.

A few days later (hoping the bartender would forget or else be off that day) the string returned to the bar. Same bartender, same story.

This went on for months with the string trying various disguises to get into the bar and always being recognized immediately by the same grumpy old bartender, until one day the string had an idea. Before entering, he paused and tussled his hair until it was messy and disheveled, then he twisted himself up really good. Satisfied his plan would work, he entered the bar.

“Heyy..” proclaimed the bartender suspiciously. “Aren’t you that string I keep throwing out of here?”

“No sir,” the string replied. “I’m a frayed knot.”
 
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