More jokes

This guy walks into a bar carrying an octopus. The bartender says "we don't allow pets in here."
The guy sets the octopus on the bar and says "Oh, he's more than a pet, he's an entertainer. He can play any musical instrument."
A few people over hear this and a guy sitting in the corner with a beat-up acoustic guitar says "I'll bet you a pitcher of beer that he can't play this."
The guy says "you're on." He hands the guitar to the octopus.
The octopus grabs the guitar and starts laying down a version of Crossroads that would make Eric Clapton weep. Everyone's really impressed.
Then this skinny old dude walks over, opens his trumpet case and say "Bet he can't play this horn."
The octopus grabs the horn and start playing All Blues. The bar falls silent as the patrons hang on every note. At the end the octopus gets a standing ovation. After a couple of drinks, a Scotsman approaches the man, throws a set of bagpipes on the bar and loudly proclaims "I'll wager he canna play that, Laddie." The octopus just sits on the bar, motionless, staring at the bagpipes. Finally, the guy leans over and asks the octopus "Well, are you gonna play it or what?"
The octopus looks back as him and says "If I can figure out how to get the damned pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it."
 
A husband and wife are discussing the afterlife and what each of them should do if the other goes first.

The wife says "If I die first, would you find another love?"
Husband says "Well, I'd mourn your loss, but if by fate ... maybe."
Wife: "Oh, well... that's okay. Would you have her move in with you, in our house?"
Husband: "If the relationship progressed to that point, I suppose so."
Wife: "Of course, fine, you should. I suppose you'd share our room, too?"
Husband: "I hadn't thought about it, but I suppose so, it's the biggest bedroom in the house."
Wife: "Then you'd share our bed with her as well...?"
Husband (annoyed by now): "It's custom oversized built-in with matching-sized linen, it wouldn't make sense to tear it out for anything else."
Wife: "Oh..."
[trying to ease the tension, she brings up his favourite pastime]
— "I suppose you'd play golf with this woman?"
Husband (brightening): "Sure! Why not?!"
Wife: "Then you'd let her use my set of clubs?"
Husband: "Of course not, she's left-handed."
 
Golf Jokes! I have a few of those.

Three guys ware waiting in the clubhouse on Saturday morning for their fourth to show up. As tee time is approaching one of them gets a call from their buddy. Seems he fell off of his roof and broke his arm. As a result, he will not be able to golf with them for 2 or 3 months. They look around the bar and see a guy sitting by himself, so they invite him to join them and he accepts. They all notice what a skilled golfer the new guy is and invite him to join them next Saturday at the same time. He says "Sure, but I might be 1/2 hour late."

Next Saturday, the new guy shows up on time, plays another amazing round of golf, but this time he's playing left-handed. One of the guys asks him "Didn't you play right-handed last week?"
"Yes I did. I'm ambidextrous and like to change it up once in a while."
"How do you decide which way you're going to play?"
"That's easy. When I wake up in the morning, if my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's laying on her left side, I play left-handed."
"What happens if she's laying on her back?"
"Then I'm 1/2 hour late."
 
Jesus & Moses are out on the links and Jesus is playing a great game until his ball lands at the edge of a large water hazard. When Jesus pulls out a 4-iron, Moses advises him "You're going to want at least a 5-iron for that shot."
Jesus says "I know in my heart that Arnold Palmer would use a 4, so I'm going to use a 4." He hits the ball and it lands in the middle of the pond. So Jesus walks out over the surface of the water, reaches down, grabs the ball, walks back and tees it up again.
"Now are you going to listen to me?" Asks Moses.
"No, Palmer would use a 4, I'm using a 4." Jesus hits it again and it's right back in the middle of the pond. He walks out over the water again to retrieve the ball when four golfers play up to where Moses is standing. One of them spots Jesus walking on the water and says "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses shakes his head and says "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
 
Chuck D. Bones said:
Jesus & Moses are out on the links and Jesus is playing a great game until his ball lands at the edge of a large water hazard. When Jesus pulls out a 4-iron, Moses advises him "You're going to want at least a 5-iron for that shot."
Jesus says "I know in my heart that Arnold Palmer would use a 4, so I'm going to use a 4." He hits the ball and it lands in the middle of the pond. So Jesus walks out over the surface of the water, reaches down, grabs the ball, walks back and tees it up again.
"Now are you going to listen to me?" Asks Moses.
"No, Palmer would use a 4, I'm using a 4." Jesus hits it again and it's right back in the middle of the pond. He walks out over the water again to retrieve the ball when four golfers play up to where Moses is standing. One of them spots Jesus walking on the water and says "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses shakes his head and says "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
Click to expand...
A Classic!
 
  • Like
Reactions: fig
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top